


It’s Just Us

by Countryrhodey



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: 1940s, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Period Typical Homophobia, Soz guys, The first three chapters will seem like there’s no plot, Times jumps but it’s just bucky remebering stuff, but there is one I s w e a r
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2019-08-20 18:23:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16560935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Countryrhodey/pseuds/Countryrhodey
Summary: Bucky liked to remember stuff, even if he wasn’t very good at it. Sometimes it was just little flashes of his childhood, other times it was a huge chunk of his past, and the drastic change from then to now  terrified him. The only thing that stayed the same was his unwavering love for Steve.





	1. Chapter 1

Bucky always felt alone. 

It was a especially depressing feeling for a mere child to have but the feeling loomed over his shoulder constantly like a bad omen. 

His mother and father were dead. His sister was adopted by some well off family before Bucky even got the chance to say goodbye. 

He cried and cried when he’d found it out. First, his mum and dad leave him, and now his sister. He knew that Becca was only a baby, but why did she get to be happy and he didn’t? He loved her dearly but a selfish part of him wanted her back at the care home with him ( not that he was fully aware of this swarm of emotions, however, he was only five).

One Sunday, at 7 am sharp, with his best suit on (it was still in good condition from when his mother had bought it him) he held hands with another child from the home- Tommy - as they walked to church. His eyes were still red from his crying the night before. He still hadn’t grasped the concept of death yet and none of the care workers had the heart to tell him that his parents weren’t in fact coming back for him, but Tommy didn’t seem to notice so Bucky wasn’t bothered. 

That morning was only remembered by Bucky in hazy fragments but he distinctly remembered how,with his hair neatly styled to the side by his carer, he knelt on the pews and ,with his tiny, chubby hands clasped and head bowed, he begged God to give him someone to love. 

Whether by the intervention of providence or coincidence, young James Barnes prayers were answered.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Steve meet woop woop!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We don’t have a a regular posting day we post sporadically like men. Also I forgot how small 10 year olds are and didn’t take into consideration that they would have been smaller back in the 1920s when I was writing it so when I was proofreading I thought to check and because I imagine Steve to be a Very Small Boy that would make him like what? 3’7? Because if he was average 9 yr old boy height he would be 4’2. A Very Small Boy

The first time Bucky saw his best pal , he was 10.

At the time, Bucky couldn’t have guessed how old the scrawny kid getting picked up from under his arms was, but it didn’t matter much.

His frame was tiny and boney and if Bucky didn’t know any better he would’ve thought he weren’t being fed: like a stray dog, full of anger and raring to fight (although at the moment he wasn’t doing much of it).

“Let go of me ya big ape!” He kicked at the kids without landing a single one. Bucky didn’t think somebody so small could glow with so much anger. His tormentors just laughed at him.

“Oi, you heard him! Put ‘im down ya big bullies!” Bucky called, using all of his 4 foot 6 inches to intimidate the boys. They soon dropped the blond and scampered away like mice.

Offering to pull him up, Bucky tutted “Hey, you okay? They’re a big bunch’a babies if ya ask me, picking on someone littler than em.”

Ignoring his hand completely, he stood up, scowling . “I ain’t no little kid, I’m almost 10, ya jerk.”

Maybe he was acting this way because of the way Bucky looked, he mused. His hair was practically dripping with sweat and stuck to his forehead because of the game of tag he played earlier, or maybe it was the hole in his trousers from where he fell earlier that week and forgot to inform anybody about it. Whatever it was, Bucky was insistent on making a new friend.

“Alright punk just makin’ sure you didn’t break a bone.” He laughed, using the silly nickname his father used to call him when he was being rowdy. Bucky didn’t actually know what punk meant, but it must’ve been nice: Bucky’s dad wouldn’t have called it him otherwise.

“I ain’t no punk and I can look after myself I-“

“I wasn’t talkin’ ‘bout your bones, silly!” Grinning, Bucky continued, “You looked like you were gonna beat the hell outa em is all.”

The stranger gave him a lobsided smile and shoved him slightly as they made their way to the front of the school. Pulling at his creased white shirt, Steve fiddled with anything he could get his hands on to stop him from looking at Bucky too long. Bucky was big and Steve didn’t want to fight. Bucky pulled at his shirt also, but that’s because he’d found a hole in that too.

“Thank you, ya know for makin’ them scram. I’m sorry for bitin’ ya head off. My name’s Steve, by the way.” The plucky kid now known to Bucky as Steve said sincerely, sticking his hand out enthusiastically.

His eyes glistened and his smile shone, and that’s when Bucky knew the boy he was staring at was made up of stars. Or gold. At least he knew now, looking back on their first meeting. God, Steve had always been something else.

Bucky shook his hand. “It’s alright. I’m Bucky.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!!! I’d say the next time I’ll be posting is next week but that would be a lie because I’ve already written the next chapter and I have no impulse control so you’ll probably get that sooner lmao. Also check me out in tumblr if you’d like I’m countryrhodey on there too!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I love my boys

Just a few sleeps later, 4th of July rolled around and Bucky was absolutely overjoyed at the prospect of sleeping over at his best friends house (on Steve’s birthday,no less). 

“I’ve never been to a sleepover over before.” Bucky rattled excitedly to Steve and his mother for what must have been the hundredth time. Steve still smiled and gave the same reply. 

“You’ can stay here forever and ever. You’re my best friend.” 

Bucky gave him the same grin each time too, his tongue poking out of the missing front tooth . 

“Boys, go and get yourself cleaned up it’s almost dinner time. After food you’re gonna be helping me set up some blankets in the front room again Stevie. I’ll help making a blanket fort if you want.”

“Yeah yeah, thanks ma! This is gonna be great! Come on buck I’ll show the the hole in my roof when we’re upstairs!” Steve called, lightly shoving Bucky out of the way to beat him to the top. 

As they raced each other up the stairs, Bucky concluded that he was unbothered about his friend being not so rich. It didn’t matter to him that all Steve got from Sarah was a pack of fancy pens and a notebook because that all she could afford. 

It probably just made him love Steve more. 

He could be the one to buy steve more stuff, to make him more happy. That seemed like a great thing to Bucky, and he was certain Sarah would love it too, she did chuckle when Bucky handed over a homemade card and a half eaten chocolate bar (Steve loved both of them). 

They would never let him make a fort in the front room at the care home. Maybe one day Bucky could be adopted by someone as nice as Sarah.

They did end up making the fort, the top coming up to Sarah’s shoulder and that to the boys was a castle. With a candle on the mantle piece dimly shining through a string up sheet, the two watched out the window in awe as red and blue fireworks shot up into the sky,one after the other. 

“You see them Stevie, they’re for you.” Bucky pointed at the fireworks coming from Steve’s neighbours garden as they continuously boomed. 

“Nah they ain’t,” he laughed in return. “It’s 4th of July silly, it’s America’s day. Ain’t nothing happening for me right now.”

“That’s bogies then!” He sat up, frowning at the sky. “It ain’t America’s day it’s yours! I’m telling ya pal, they’re for you. Who cares about America? I know I don’t so they’re for you because I said so.” 

Steve laughed softly, returning his gaze back to the dancing lights. “You mean that? These are for me?” 

“I ain’t a liar if that’s what your saying. See, that ones blue just like your eyes!”


	4. Chapter 4(I think)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve likes comic books and is Legally Blind. In other news, I can’t write dialogue and description simultaneously

High school had been horrendous for the pair. Steve had a new fixation on courageous comic strip heroes like Joe Palooka and Scorchy Smith and this didn’t aid his already dwindling concentration in lesson. 

Bucky insisted that Steve wanted to fight anyone in a 10 mile radius because of the characters influence; Steve insisted that he didn’t need any influence. 

Neither of their grades were impressive, but they didn’t care. Having trouble with seeing anything past the tip of his nose , Steve couldn’t read off the blackboard or the notes Bucky we’re trying to pawn off on him. Glasses were a luxury Steve couldn’t afford so he had to make do without. 

So Steve would just blink owlishly at any work set in front of him until Bucky would laugh and read it for him. Then he would slap Steve on the back of the head when he kept eye contact but his gaze became glazed. 

“Steve,pal, come on. I ain’t gettin’ in trouble just because your bored. Please at least try to listen.” 

Steve produced a lackluster smile and quietly exclaimed. ”Okay James lets do some work! Gosh golly am I excited!”

Laughing, Bucky slapped him again and told him to pay attention. The smile that dangled on the corner of his lips dropped into a grimace as mr Matthews came behind him and smacked the back of his head. 

“Stop talking, James.” The raucous voice made the pair jump in their seats and go red as their classmates turned to stare. Stunned, both boys mouths closed rather comically as they pretended to read the work on the desk. 

“I’m telling you buck,” Steve announced once Mr Matthews was out of ear shot. “None of this shit will matter once we leave. None of it. No matter how smart you are.” 

Bucky rolled his eyes playfully, being on the receiving end of Steve speeches more often than not. “Yeah yeah. None of this will help us find a job. You’ve told me already Stevie. You know that ain’t gonna stop me from doin’ my work while I’m in lesson. I don’t know about you but I don’t fancy staying after class to get a beatin’. And I ain’t waiting for you if you do so just copy mine pal.”

Bucky was naturally book smart, but that didn’t help him when he didn’t bother to go over any of his notes in class. He thought Steve would be too, if he ever bothered to pay attention that is.

“Okay class, its time to pack up.”

Soon after putting their things away, and waiting for Bucky to end his conversation with a member of the football team, the boys were ready to go home. The streets were alight with sunshine, and the boys relished in its warm kiss. Smiles spread across their faces with ease. 

“Hey Buck,do ya think we’ll have time to go to the shop to pick up a paper before ma makes dinner?” Steve asked, comically stepping between street tiles so he didn’t step on the cracks. 

Bucky lazily slung his arm over Steve’s shoulder, pulling him in and stopping his antics. 

“I don’t know pal, I’m sure she won’t mind anyhow.” 

Bucky questions how he can even afford comics “cos I knows Sarah ain’t givin you money” and Steve went red. He was dreading the question, but it’s not like he could lie and say it was Sarah giving him the money. Bucky would just ask her and his lie would be snuffed our anyhow. 

“Well Betty White pays me to draw pictures of flowers and stuff, ya know.”

“No I did not know!” Bucky laughed. “I never knew my pal was such a ladykiller! Save some dames for the rest of us Steve!” 

Sticking a boney elbow into his stomach, Steve rolled his eyes “oh shove off ya big idiot. Remember to wipe you feet before coming in. Last time you came round ma nearly fainted at the footprints.”

“Sir yes sir.”

Scraping his feet dramatically on the mat, Bucky took his rucksack off and waited for Steve to open the door to put it on a hook. 

“Ma! We’re back!” 

“Oh hi Stevie, hi Bucky.” The red haired woman smiled over her shoulder from her place on the sofa. 

“Hi Sarah. Guess what Steve’s been doin’ in secret in his spare time?” Steve rolled his eyes and fell onto the sofa dramatically as Bucky laughed and sat next to him. 

“Oh I don’t know bucky, what has he been doing?”

Steve nudged his pal in the stomach. It’s not that he was embarrassed (much), he just knew he would never hear the end of it from the pair. 

“Little Stevie has been drawin’ pictures for Betty. You know, curly hair, big ol’ glasses, lives down the street. Always givin Steve that look at church.“ 

Sarah giggles as she nodded, pulling her feet up next to her. “Oh has he now? Do I need to be worried about grandchildren Steven?” 

“Ma! No, come on! You’re just as bad as Buck. You’re being mean. ”

“You’re right,” she laughed. “I’m far too young to be a grandmother. Now if you’ve done swooning over your new girl you two can get in the kitchen and finish up dinner whilst I take a quick nap. That okay boys?” 

“Yes ma’am.” 

Bucky pulled Steve on to his feet as Sarah headed upstairs. The kitchen was a little messy, with empty popcorn packets littering the table from the previous night and unwashed dishes scattered around, but the boys set out to both tidy and make food.

“Hey, Buck. Once we’ve done in here can we go and pick me up a new comic?”

Bucky flicked him with dishwater soap. “You’ve got an addiction to those comics I’m tellin’ ya.”

Dipping his hand into the sink, Steve casually patted some suds on Bucky’s cheeks. “So is that a yeah?”

“Of course it’s a yeah.”

They didn’t end up going to the store until the next day however.Their initiation of a fight with dirty dish water resulted in a very messy kitchen and one angry Sarah Rogers. 

She stood with her and crossed in the doorway, and cocked eyebrow and as much power her 5 foot form could emit. 

“Keep it down boys, and make sure you tidy up this mess once you’ve finished doing... whatever this is.” Her exasperation made Steve giggle , right up until Sarah pinched her ear and told him that she was serious. 

“I mean it boys, no being silly. I’m tired sweetie. Just keep the noise down and give me a shout once food is ready. Bucky, if you want to stay the night, you’re more than welcome to hon.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Bucky are just two good ol’ poor Bois

It was December, about the third one the pair had laboured through when moving in together and the 13th one the boys had known each other for. The shop on the corner in which Steve worked had cut backs, resulting in him getting less shifts. Steve was understandably annoyed with his predicament, and even more so when it meant Bucky had to pick up extra work just for the pair to make rent. 

But in this moment now, none of that seemed to matter. Bucky and Steve were huddled up in their cots which they’d pushed them together so they could get warm. With Bucky’s chest to Steve’s back, Bucky, out of the blue, had asked “If you got to choose one part of Brooklyn to take a picture of and put on a postcard, where would you choose?” 

Steve laughed at the abruptness of the question. Bucky laughed at Steve smiling, the sun shining from his blue eyes. 

“Dunno,” he’d said at first, Bucky gave his answer to give Steve time to think.

“Really Buck? Our flats ain’t much to look at ya twit!” He’d shoved a bony elbow into Bucky’s stomach playfully. “Why would you want anyone to see that?” 

Bucky hooked his chin onto Steve’s shoulder, his cheeks pressing against Steve’s as he smiled. “Well, what other way to show Brooklyn in all it’s glory by showing off the building that looks the same as all the others.” Pulling the blanket so it fully covered both of them, Bucky pulled Steve closer, even with him wriggling in protest. 

“I thought you woulda chose that care home you’re from, it’s real nice and stuff. Get of me you idiot I can lie down by myself.”

Ignoring Steves mild complaints entirely, Bucky scoffed and rolled his eyes. “That place is dumb, you know that. What use were all the catholic teachings and the rest of that jazz? What do I need to know about Jesus and his gang? I’m Jewish man, I don’t wanna be learning about some bozo I don’t care about, ya know. Those stained glass windows are real ugly when you look close anyhow.” 

Steve shook his head, smiling faintly. “You’re a right dummy sometime ya know?”

Shoving Steve slightly, he rolled his eyes and grinned.“Well I’m a dummy by birth. What’s it say about you when you’re getting cozy with a ruffian like me, huh?” 

Huffing out a laugh, Steve shuffled closer to Bucky, which lead Bucky complain about his “pointy bones” for at least five minutes. 

“You got the bone structure of a bird Stevie. God, your gonna puncture my stomach with your elbow, jeez.” 

Playfully, Steve mumbled “fine then” and rolled over, taking the blanket with him. 

“Oh, come on pal! Gimme some covers I’m freezing like anything!”

“Oh, so my bird bones aren’t much of a problem then.” Bucky sighed. He should’ve seen this coming really. Would he really be Steve if he didn’t make Bucky age ten years by just existing? 

Steve laughed as Bucky’s face twisted like he’d just eaten a lemon. They both knew the other was joking, but they waited each other out to see who would laugh first. 

“Okay, okay you’ve made your point, now let me in!” 

“Nah, I don’t think you understand  
, James,” Steve frowned, putting emphasis on the James and pulling the blanket even tighter around his wiry frame. “I’m all small and that, I get it. So don’t I deserve all the blanket? We wouldn’t want me getting ill now do we?” 

A laugh brewed in Buckys chest, and he fought to keep it down, even when his eyes watered slightly as Steve engulfed his entire head in the thin sheet. “See, Buck. I need it more so I can protect myself from the illnesses. The germs can’t get through the blanket, everyone knows that.” 

“You’re a weirdo Stevie, you know that?” Bucky pulled the blanket towards him, dragging Steve along with it, his face red from laughing at himself. “Alright unwrap yourself I’ll get frostbite at this rate.” 

 

After a few moments of awkward manuvering, Steve managed to untangle himself and the pair settled back into a comfortable position. 

“Go on then, Stevie, where would you choose for a postcard?”

Steve pretended to think for a moment longer, so Bucky put his cold feet on his thighs to make him hurry up. 

Rolling over so he was facing Bucky, he replied “I’d choose the billboard. Ya know, the one you go past when ya nearin’ the post office.Don’t look at me like that ya meatball, I just think it looks pretty, that’s all.” 

Bucky tried to keep his laughter in, he really did, but the wanton tone accompanying Steve’s words forced it from his throat. 

“Glad I’m fracturin’ you James.” Steve had said bitterly,trying to shuffle away from his friend. 

“Steve, Stevie, c’mon.” He giggled, pulling Steve into his chest once more. “You know I’m just raggin’ ya! It was just, you know...” He shrugged his shoulders lightly. “A bit off the cob. You’re just like that sometimes it don’t matter.” 

Steve tried to pull away. Bucky just held on tighter. “That’s not what I meant Stevie.” He began laughing again, Steve’s cheeks turning red. 

“ if ya didn’t mean it, whyda say it, fathead?” 

This time he sat up, scrawny arms crossed and a frown etched into his features.

“what’s wrong pal?” Bucky didn’t sit up, not fully. He lay on his side and looked up at Steve,  
resting his head on his arm. 

"You know I’m just messin’, I didn’t mean nothin’ by it. You wanna tell me what’s up?”

"Nothin' Buck, I'm fine." he sighed, lying back down (positively shivering from the cold air outside the blanket--outside Bucky) putting his forehead on Bucky's chest for warmth. " I know you’re just joking, I shouldn’t have took any offence Buck.I'm just a bit joed, and I missed my best pal, what with you being at work all the time and everything. You havin a laugh at me the one chance I get to see you ain’t no help." 

They both sat in silence for a brief moment, then a smile spread across Bucky’s face as he aww’d at his best friend. "Aren't you cute as a bugs ear." Steve turned an impossible shade of red when Bucky began laughing harder and rubbing his cheek in Steve's hair, a protective arm wrapped around his waist. Steve did end up kicking Bucky out of the bed but he didn’t mind much- he just carried on laughing on the floor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays!!!!!! I hope you enjoyed this chapter!! If you wanna come and talk to me or whatever you can follow me on tumblr (my username is countryrhodey on there too)


	6. Chapter 6

Working at the docks was difficult to say the least. Bucky’s back ached after lifting such heavy crates and the cold wasn’t doing much to sooth his worn out muscles. Shivering due to the icy flakes sprinkling from the sky, Bucky stood up straight and pulled his jacket closer to him, damning both working at the docks and his jackets busted zipper.A new shipment had just been brought in and there were tons of containers that needed unloading and half of the staff not doing their job properly. 

“Ay, James its break time come a bum a smoke or something. You’ll catch your death working like that!”

Blowing into his hands to regain at least some feeling, he replied “yeah okay” and made his way over to the fellas under a crummy bus shelter.His feet undoubtedly had blistered at the bottom of them and they didn’t hesitate to let him know about it. The quiet murmurs of the men quickly turned into a loud ruckus as Bucky approached. Each man was talking over one another about which dame they danced with the previous Saturday. 

“Say James, what did you get up to? I don’t think I’ve seen you out in some time.“

Bucky smiled briefly at Joe while answering “not much pal, not much. Just staying at home with Steve, you know the usual. Squat.” 

At that Joe laughed and nodded in agreement. “I hear you. I’ve just been around the house with the other half.” 

“Say Jim,” Charles chimed in. “You seem awful close with that Stevie. Wanna tell us what's been goin' on?"

Frowning, Bucky pursed his lips and grunted “what do you mean by that then? I just said what’s been goin’ on-squat. ” 

Charles snidely laughed then,and everyone else soon followed his lead. It seemed like they were all in some kind of joke that he wasn’t privy to.

“We all know what you and Stevie get up to, pal. Everyone knows that you and him are fairies. It ain’t no secret.” 

Bucky‘s mouth hung open with disbelief. “I ain't no fruitcake, if that's what you're sayin'- and neithers Steve!" Bucky squares his shoulders and shoved Charles. Confusion, terror and anger all consumed Bucky. These men were supposed to be his friends and they were ganging up on him like there twelve on a playground. If this rumour spread, he was sure that he wouldn’t have a job, or a home, or any type of credible reputation. His life would be over-

“Don’t go fucking touching me you sissy.” Charles grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him to his chest, then shoved him to the ground violently. The rest of the men stood around, doing nothing. Joe looked like he was about to intervene before Charles glared at him. Suddenly, the men split up and Bucky looked up at his boss. 

“What is going on here?” 

“Johnny, that pervert just tried it on with me in front of everyone! I won’t stand for it- I won’t!” 

“No I didn’t-“

Johnny raised his hand to silence Bucky and calmly ordered for the rest of the men to get back to work. 

“James.”

Bucky quickly got to his feet and brushed himself off, following behind his boss in a deafening silence. Jesus,he couldn’t lose this job, not now. Rents due next week. What would Steve think? It’s not like he can just come out and say “oh sorry I don’t have a job so we won’t be able to make rent. Oh!why you ask. Well, it’s because half the town thinks we’re a couple of queers!” Yeah, That conversation will go down great. 

They came to a stop inside his office. 

Johnny turned. “Go home. You’re fired. You’re last pay check will come in the mail.”

Bucky scoffed. “Now that ain’t fair! I’m getting fired cos of some rumour!” 

“ I don’t care if it is true or not,” Johnny continued as though Bucky hadn’t spoke. “ I cannot and will not ruin my business’ reputation by continuing to employ a homosexual. I urge you to get treatment for this ‘ahem’ condition. Goodbye James.” And without a second look at him, Johnny took a seat and gestures to the door until Bucky left. 

With despair in his heart and no job to go back to, James Buchanan Barnes wondered around Brooklyn without a dime to his name. 

What was he going to do now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long but writing is hard and I got a new job. Woop! Let’s get this bread even when Bucky can’t :(


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky is sad because he’s unemployed:((((

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Endgame hurt my mf feelings

The shoes that Bucky shackled to his feet were cold and unwelcoming. Usually, they hugged his feet merrily, and despite the wear and tear they had endured throughout the years, they would seem overjoyed to be reunited with their owner once more. 

Not today however. 

Today, they seemed to be scolding Bucky for his lack of verbal filter and general existence, apparently. 

They taunted him, with their damp soles and tattered appearance, reminding him to keep his mouth shut:keep his head down for Steve. 

Little sick Steve who would barely last until winter without an steady income to buy his medication . There wasn’t going to be any steady income if Bucky didn’t find a job soon. He pulled his shoelaces harder than needed. 

"I'm off out Stevie, see you in a bit!" He called over his shoulder, grimacing as his shoes shrieked a squelch . 

"Alright buck, see ya, close the door your lettin' heat out!" Steve called, rolling his eyes as he slammed the door behind him. 

Bucky’s abhorrence for the icy bite of the wind was the only thought running through Bucky's head after it hit him as he was stepping out of the door. Pulling his tattered blue jacket around himself further, he stormed the streets of Brooklyn in search of a job.

A faux smile slammed itself onto his miserable mug. If he wanted a job, he had to appear suave;confident; approachable at the very least. He needed to look like the job needed him; not vice versa. Pulling himself up to stand a little taller, he whistled quietly as though finding a job wasn't a priority, like Steve's life didn't depend on it. 

It was soon to slip , however, when he was succumbed to the daunting realisation that he was heading into the town centre. He knew people there, and those people would know that his flimsy facade was fake. He wasn't too bothered, his cheeks didn't much like aching over a fake grin, anyways. 

As he observed the walls he passed, he had come to the conclusion that Brooklyn was obsessed with the sound of its own name. Everywhere he looked, whether that was the side of a building or above a street name, it was a sure fire certainty that the word Brooklyn would be plastered there. "Welcome to the heart of Brooklyn- Brooklyn township". He didn't understand any of it.

It rubbed him the wrong way, the mild annoyance of seeing the word plastered in every nook and cranny of his hometown mixed with his frustration at being jobless really irked him. 

Sitting down on a bench in the centre of town, Bucky did the one thing he prevented himself from doing lately;relax. Just pause his life and take in everything around him. De-stress. Even if he didn't particularly like the way the wind sounds like static as it rustled through the leaves like white noise. Or how the teenagers with their slicked back hair and their trembling hands were smoking like chimneys.

But it wasn’t all bad.   
The wind whistled quietly, and made a child giggle as her hair swept into her face. And the teens had smiles plastered on their faces. 

As the town bell struck 3 o’clock, Bucky, with a deep sigh, pulled himself up and truly began his tiring endeavour to seek employment. 

—————————————————————

 

When Bucky got back from going into every business in town, he found Steve buried in the thin blanket in their sofa, a book in hand. He was undoubtedly disheartened at the results of his particular undertaking. Everywhere had turned him way with the lousy excuse of the businesses not having enough funds to take in another employee. Bucky just didn’t know what he could do. How could he even sit down next to Steve and pretend that everything’s fine, all while knowing that they might not have enough money to eat next week? 

"Hiya Steve." He kicked his shoes off and shuffled under the blanket, slightly laughing at Steve's squeal when he put his ice cold feet under his shirt. 

"Hey yourself jerk, where've ya been?"Steve's words were muffled as the blanket was pulled right up to his nose, Bucky straightened and Steve put his book down. 

He couldn’t lie to Steve. It wasn’t fair, and Steve wasn’t a child, he deserves to know. Steve perked up slightly, pulling himself upright, seeing Bucky’s demeanour. Bucky had to look at his hands to stop himself from crying. 

"What's wrong Buck?" 

"I've messed up." Pitying the downright somber look etched into his friends face, Steve smiled softly, pulling Bucky into his side, his chin on his shoulder. 

"The best thing about mistakes," he whispered so he didn't downright deafen his best pal. "Is that we get to correct them. Whoever you've done- whatever's happened- it can be fixed- and it will be eventually." 

Bucky nodded, tilting his head towards Steve. "Yeah, yeah you're right." He wrapped an arm around his small shoulders and pulled him in tight. 

"When aren't I right?"Steve pulled back and lay his arm in Bucky’s shoulder. “Now do you wanna tell me what’s got you crying like a baby or do you just wanna sulk some more?” 

Squeezing Steve’s shoulder, Bucky’s face hinted at a smile. “ I don’t sulk Stevie, I’m a grown man.” 

“I hate to break it to you but most grown men don’t call their best buds Stevie.” Steve threw the blanket over Bucky and pulled him into his side, where Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve’s waist and Steve put his head on top of Bucky’s which was pressed against Steve’s shoulder. 

“Well, yeah. Not everyone’s best pal is called Steve now are they?” Bucky laughed because Steve laughed, but the room soon fell silent. Bucky knee he had to tell steve that he lost his job at some point, but he just didn’t want to. 

“So you wanna tell me what’s got you so down?” Steve mumbled. Steve deserves to know and Bucky knew his nervousness didn’t really matter. 

“I lost my job.” Bucky turned so his forehead was now on Steve’s shoulder. “The guys were saying some stuff about me and apparently it wasn’t good for business so they just fired me.” 

Steve brought Bucky in closer to him and they just sat there for a moment, letting Bucky’s words mellow between them. 

“Pal you can always get another job. It will seem hard, but honestly, what doesn’t?” Steve lifted his shoulder to get Bucky to sit up as he continued “I can always just sell my drawings to Betty White again.” 

They both laughed. “Hey, stop teasing I’m being serious Buck. Everyone will forget about what those guys at the docks were saying and you’ll have another steady job in no time. We’ll work something out. We always do.” 

All of the anxiety drained from Bucky. It was going to be okay. He just couldn’t bring himself to tell Steve what his colleagues were saying about him. Especially when it was true.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm gay and sad so Bucky is now too

Steve and Bucky hadn’t found the energy the previous night to make it to their bedroom, and Bucky awoke with a pain in his neck and Steve dribbling on his chest. His golden hair was standing up in every direction and his cheeks were bright red from where they were pressed against Bucky. It scared Bucky sometimes, how much he loved Steve. He has never loved anybody as strongly nor as deeply as he loved his best friend, and he probably never will, and yet, with every waking moment, he seemed to fall more impossibly in love. It was terrifying and tremendous but so utterly heart-breaking. There was nothing more painful than loving someone more than they loved you. Even still, Bucky refused to let go of the love he had, for it hurt him to hold on, but it would break him to let go. He just had to live this lie of being ‘normal’, whatever that means. 

Sometimes, in moments like these, where Steve looked so calm and soft, Bucky’s bones seemed to strain under the weight of the life he wished he led. He wanted to wake him up with a kiss and spend every opportunity wrapped up together, and their only concern would be their happiness. He knew this could never happen, so he just kept on living, kept on pretending, and kept on loving, for that is all he could do. His reality was disappointing and unfulfilling compared to this, and Bucky found his mind escaping to this golden, shimmering daydream frequently, imagining how joyous life would be if only he lived where everybody was accepted.

Steve was going to wake up soon, his breathing grew shallow and he grew more restless as he slept. Bucky lay as still as he could, desperately attempting to grasp onto his illusion of paradise created on their living room sofa. Like clockwork, Bucky will have to conceal his love once again. He imagined it filling up his chest and spilling out all at once, leaving a catastrophic mess and Bucky’s body broken. It was getting harder to hide it recently, and although he despised the idea, he knew that he’d have to hold Steve at an arm’s length to prevent his affections from growing. Light began filtering in through the gap in their paper-thin curtains, and the rays surrounded Steve like a blanket, leaving Bucky untouched and a voyeur to the beauty that was Steve Rogers. 

‘Mornin’ Buck.’ Steve whispered, his voice groggy and his arms stretched out as he pulled himself up. ‘Mornin’ Stevie,’ Bucky replied, moving his feet so they were on the floor rather than under Steve. With Steve’s awakening, Bucky’s head was pulled back to reality and his glittering daydream became dull as he attempted to suppress it; the beauty of the dream subsided. They discussed briefly their plans for the day ahead, whilst Bucky was going to attempt to land himself a job before the markets closed, Steve was going to go to church and then start on some artwork to sell ‘just in case’.  
Steve’s shoulder warmed up Bucky’s right side, his eyes still barely open and the contact probably going unnoticed. Bucky was going to die like this; thinking about how warm Steve was, how lovely and tremendously gorgeous he was, and how utterly stupid Bucky was for letting his emotions consume him.

Steve patted his shoulder as he stood, his back cracking as he did so. ‘Right Buck,’ Steve said between a yawn ‘I’m gonna get ready for church, can you grab something for dinner while your out. Mrs Baker from the floor below came by yesterday whilst you were gone too, said something about saving you some of her stew, so you can bring that home if ya wanna.’ 

'Yeah I might, save us some time cookin' too.'

Steve smiled lightly then proceeded to grab his black shoes and retreated into their bedroom without another word. Although Bucky knew his plans had a time constraint, he sat motionless on the sofa for a few more moments. He was lovesick and as the years passed by it became increasingly difficult to hide. Steve hadn’t noticed yet, at least that’s what Bucky thought, but Mrs Baker, the woman who had acted as a mother figure both him and Steve when they moved into the building, being as intuitive as she was, was bound to discover what Bucky would describe as ‘an obsessive fixation on sin’. 

Bucky cannot remember how the rest of his day panned out, and he made a mental note to ask Steve if he ended up going to Mrs Baker’s. It really was disheartening for him to accept that there may have been numerous snippets of his life, much like this one, that were brimmed with love and affection that Bucky will never be able to recall. Although he knows he can make more beautiful memories with Steve in the present, and how could he not with Steve making this fact evident every time Bucky voiced his nostalgia, it just will never be the same. Back then, before the war and everything else, the two remained untainted and pure as they were blissfully ignorant to the true horror that was the violence of man. Now however, after being separated again and again, whilst enduring pain and loss which neither would wish on their worst enemies,both he and Steve were two different men. Yes, Bucky is still utterly smitten by Steve, but even he can see that his love has evolved into something more bitter. Both his affections and to whom they are directed towards will always have a shadow of the past plaguing them. Bucky will always mourn the past and everything he has missed, but he understands now that his hope must lie in his future. Real love is sweet and warm like honey, always has and always will be, and he knows that he is still in need of it, even if his past may deem him undeserving of such tenderness.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky is panicked, Steve is panicked, everyone is panicked, ahhhhhhhhh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter should be up much sooner than what this one was ive already began writing it, and I hope u enjoy :)

It was supposed to be a normal day, Steve and Bucky were both downtown looking for work, joking together, when they passed some chattering men. Bucky was hammering on about something or another, as usual, then, as he paused his storytelling, they both overheard the conversation the men were having. 

‘I just can’t believe it,’ said one with a salt and pepper beard,’ I knew the war was bad, but I didn’t think we’d be joining it. They’ll be drafting the lads soon, I bet.’ Steve side eyed Bucky, both of their smiles dwindling.

‘I don’t think I can last another war,’ murmured the man next to him, shaking his head and taking a sip of his coffee from the Styrofoam cup. Bucky carried on walking, and Steve was soon to follow. America had joined the war. Bucky picked up his pace, heart racing and his hands clenched by his sides.  
‘Buck, wait up will ya!’ Steve’s heavy footsteps followed Bucky until Steve had reached him. He knew what being drafted meant, heard about it from some guy down at the docks a while back who served in the first war. You just get a letter sent through the door and then you’re off. Bucky’s life wasn’t made so he could just up and leave. He wasn’t a violent person, never had been, he didn’t think he would be able to survive in such a hostile environment. He could vaguely feel Steve’s gentle hand on his back guiding him to a bench, but his vision was blurred, and his hands shook. He couldn’t leave Steve. He didn’t want to fight. 

‘Hey pal, you with me?’ Bucky could feel the words in his chest like insects trying to crawl up his throat, but they wouldn’t escape his mouth. He closed his eyes. He wasn’t ready for a war.  
‘It’s gonna be okay,’ Steve rubbed circles on his back as he whispered soothingly, ‘c’mon, we’ll go home and talk about it yeah? Get some food and you’ll be right as rain.’ Bucky nodded his head and Steve pulled him up and put his arm around his best pal. ‘Let’s get you home’Bucky relied heavily on Steve on their way back, leaning on him and saying nothing. His face was pale, and his hair was stuck to his forehead. Steve in a panic had made Bucky sit on the couch with a mop bucket in front of him in case he was going to throw up. Steve forced some water down Bucky and tried to calm down for his friend’s sake. 

‘Pal, everything’s gonna be fine, it always is.’ Steve rubbed circles onto Bucky’s back. ‘Even if you are enlisted, you can always apply to be a medic or something, you don’t have to fight Buck.’  
Bucky turned to him and give him a defeated smile, ‘you know that ain’t how it works Stevie.’ He was crying now, and so was Steve, just a little.’ Bucky sighed as his shoulders slumped,’ I don’t want to go, I know how we are livin’ isn’t the best, but its still my life, and I don’t think I can leave it all behind.’ He thought that now would’ve been a good time to express to Steve how he truly felt, but he was a coward, and Bucky did what cowards do best, they disappoint. Steve was sat so close, and he was being so kind, and Bucky couldn’t imagine his future without him in it.

‘Buck there’s no point in fretting yet. You haven’t even been drafted, and we don’t know if those guys were even talkin’ sense. I’m tellin’ ya, it’ll all work out fine. Just watch.’ He spoke with such confidence that Bucky wanted to believe him, but he wasn’t delusional, and he knew he was fit enough to fight. There was no getting out of it. ‘I’m scared Steve.’ Bucky whispered, making eye contact with the man beside him. His lips tightened and he rested his head on Steve’s shoulder. ‘I can’t join the war, I’m not ready.’

Steve put his head atop of Bucky’s and answered,’ Who wouldn’t be scared, Buck? Who is ready for a war? If you do get drafted, you just need to remember, you’re not there just to fight, you’re there to help everyone being mistreated by Hitler, and I’m sure there’s gonna be some idiot kids who’ve joined up too. They’ll need someone like you to look out for them Buck, I know if I was in their shoes I certainly would.’

Bucky hugged Steve, pulling him in and tucking his head into Steve’s neck. ‘Is it okay if we don’t talk about it anymore? I don’t think I can deal with it right now.’ 

‘Yeah, Buck, sure, if that’s what you want.’ Steve detangled himself from Bucky’s grasp. ‘Should I get started on dinner? You can get in bed if you want, I’ll get ya up when its done.’ 

Bucky nodded gratefully, taking his jacket off and leaving Steve to enter the kitchen. He was terrified, and he just knew that Steve was going to try and do something stupid to fight in the war, just like he has done with every other fight he’d heard about. Just like with every other fight, there was going to be nothing in Bucky’s power to stop Steve from getting involved. Bucky had never felt such a strong sense of terror and dread than he had experienced when finding out America had joined world war two. His fright was ineffable, and he couldn’t deal with it by himself, and so he refused to deal with it at all. He climbed into bed but failed to fall asleep. He simply laid motionless on his side and waited for Steve to call his name so that he could jump up and pretend that everything was alright, like by some miracle there was going to be something about him which would keep him from being drafted. He wasn’t ready to fight. He wasn’t ready to leave Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woohoo pls leave comments and stuff I stan validation


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long its just been a very busy few weeks. The next chapter shouldn't take too long if everything goes to plan but no promises.

Bucky remembered receiving the envelope with shaking hands. His fingers ran over the ink that tied his name to the paper for what felt like an eternity and then some. He knew what it was even before reading it. God had signed his death certificate and he was going to be shipped off to fight in a war he knew nothing about. With his eyes welling up with tears, he sat on the sofa and cried a little. Bucky was fed up of feeling sad. All he did was mope around the house and occasionally annoy Steve with his moping. Its not like he could help it. Who wouldn’t mope, when they knew there was going to be a letter coming through your door telling you to pack up your shit and get shot at? 

Light began filtering in through the off-cream coloured curtains, and Bucky looked at the letter with the upmost distain. Tears fell onto the paper and smudged the writing. Its okay, he told himself, he didn’t want to read it anyhow. However, as much as he tried to convince himself that if he ignored the problem it would go away, he knew, as much as with any other problem he’d encountered before, it would only grow bigger and bigger until he could ignore it no longer. And he didn’t need the added stress. 

Alas, He opened the feared letter, not because of any desire to do so, but out of fear that he would leave it too late and Steve would walk in, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and questioning what was in the dreaded envelope. If he knew Steve as much as he thought he did, Steve would act as though it wasn’t a big deal and try to enlist with him, much like the idiot he was. He began to read the letter with the upmost apprehension, the words sinking into the pit of his stomach like an anchor hits the seabed. This was it. He had a week to make the most of his free life before he was going to have everything taken away from him. Maybe he was just being dramatic, he thought to himself, but even if he was, there was no way in which he could quell the storm of anxiety and fear which swirled around in his mind. 

With his lip quivering and his thought running faster than he could comprehend them, he failed to hear the sound of Steve’s soft footsteps heading into the living room. His pyjamas hung off his slim body, and he wordlessly sat next to Bucky, patting his shoulder as he did so. He had already inferenced what was happening and was willing to provide comfort in any way he could. Although Bucky appreciated it, he still felt a snag of self-depreciation at the back of his mind. He knew crying in front of his best pal was justified and completely normal, but he couldn’t help feeling weak and fragile by letting Steve see him in such a state, despite Steve never indicating that he felt that Bucky was anything other than brave. Pulling Bucky out of his thoughts, Steve broke the silence between them.

“At least there’s no more waitin’ around for it,” he said simply, “I know that it’s something that nobody wants, but it’s happening whether you like it or not, ya gotta face it, don’t ya think, Buck?”

For all the sense Steve was making, Bucky still didn’t want to listen to him. It wasn’t that Bucky didn’t want to accept his reality; it was that he couldn’t. It was hard to fathom in itself and it was even harder to imagine leaving Steve. They had been in each other’s lives for so long by this point, Bucky couldn’t imagine living without Steve. He had been with him through thick and thin, and he couldn’t let all of that just be thrown away over some stupid war. He loved him too much. As if he was reading Bucky’s mind, Steve spoke once again. 

“Come on Buck, it won’t be so bad. I can write to you whenever, and it will be like I’m right there next to you. Hell, maybe I’ll join ya there for real”

“That’s the last thing I want,” Bucky whispered, his eyes downcast, “It’s one thing worrying about me being out there, and it’s a whole other you bein’ there too. Please Steve,” He swallowed hard and brought his eyes up to Steve, who was looking back at him worried. “Promise me you won’t do somethin’ stupid and try to join.”

“Buck- “

“I ain’t jokin’ about this.” Bucky interrupted, sounding far too serious than either of them would like to admit, “You get hurt enough in fights without guns and what have you, and I’m not gonna be around to help ya”

Steve sighed, knowing, despite any objections that maybe given by Bucky, when he was fighting the losing fight, and yielded to Bucky’s words. 

“Alright Buck, I promise. I expect letters every week when ya have the time through, yeah.” His voice cracked as he spoke and his eyes much like his pal’s sitting in front of him, welled up with tears. “Ya gotta give a guy that much, at least.”

Bucky gave Steve a watery laugh as he replied “Yeah, I’ll be writing to ya everyday if I can, pal. Gotta make sure you’re not doing anything too dumb without me bein’ there.”

They both laughed quietly, the weight of the war being lifted, only marginally, and Steve added,“Well, if we’re done with this pity party, I think we oughta get dressed and do somethin’ today, ya know, to take our mind of things and what have ya” 

“Yeh, pal sure,” He huffed a laugh and continued “I’m just gonna have a nap, this has really wiped a guy out.” 

Steve smiled at him, fuelled by pity or admiration Bucky couldn’t tell, and patted him as he got up. 

“Alright, I’ll wake you up when I’m ready.” And with that, Steve squeezed Bucky’s shoulder and got his clothes ready as Bucky headed back to bed. 

After a few hours had passed, and Steve had woken Bucky up so that they could eat, Bucky promptly south out an opportunity to go back to sleep, much to Steve's annoyance. He understood that Bucky was emotionally drained from the past couple of weeks, and so he didn't kick up a fuss when Bucky announced that he was heading back to bed for the second time that day. Steve, still very much in his pyjamas, lounged around their living room for what felt like forever, idly drawing the furniture around him. When the clock struck six, Steve decided that it was time to get ready for their night out. They hadn't gone out together in so long, and Steve as looking forward to it far more than he would let on. They had a separate saving jar for moments like these, when something bad had happened and they needed to do something to get themselves out of their heads. Obviously, when times became dire and there was no income whatsoever, they occasionally dip into the fund, but on whole, they had been saving up their loose change for awhile. Steve thought now was a good a time as any to splash the cash. So, he jumped up, cracking his neck from the awkward position he had it in whilst drawing, and began to get ready for their big night out. Possibly, this was going to be the last night out they were going to have together before Bucky joined the war, and that fact di not go unnoticed by Steve, who set out to make it his mission to make this the best night of Bucky's life.

He rummaged through a set of wooden draws in their bedroom to find the perfect outfit, and once he did, he meticulously set out on getting out and wrinkles and creases he could find. Once doing this and feeling fully satisfied that his clothes were up to his standards, he gelled his hair to the side, largely unbothered by the outcome, knowing full well that once he woke, Bucky would insist on styling it for him, despite huis many protests. 

Steve’s shirt, which was most likely one of Bucky’s old ones, sat under his red suspenders, which were more a fashion statement than of any practical use. He treaded lightly into his and Bucky’s shared bedroom, watching intently the rise and fall of Bucky’s steady breathing to make sure he didn’t prematurely wake him. Bucky had slept on his front, with his arms tucked underneath his pillow for as long as Steve could remember. Steve stifled a laugh when Bucky let out a single, sharp snore and turned his face to face the other way in his sleep. He carefully reached for his black dress shoes from under his bed and slipped them on without a sound. 

Then, deciding that Bucky should be getting ready to go out too, pulled the blanket from him. 

‘Wake up ya lazy piece of shit!’ Steve nudged him with his foot, causing Bucky to yelp and fall out of bed and land right at Steve’s feet. 

‘fuck offffffff’ Bucky eloquently replied; his voice muffled by his arm which he threw over his face, his smile unmistakeable and unable to hide behind his arm. Steve nudged him and Bucky groaned again.  
‘Come on, asshole, were gonna go out if you’re done being a sad piece of shit’ Once again, Steve prodded Bucky’s side with his foot, but this time Bucky retaliated by pulling Steve’s leg, causing his to fall atop of Bucky. 

“Nah” is all Bucky replied, before wrapping his arms around him and lying own, pulling Steve with him.

“Get off me ya big lump” Steve laughed, trying to pry Bucky’ arms off him but to no avail. Bucky did nothing but hold onto Steve tighter whilst letting out a laugh of his own. “Come on Buck, I actually wanna go out tonight, we can use the money we’ve got to go. Come on!” Steve screamed in surprise when Bucky rolled over, lying completely on Steve. “Hmmmmm,” He pretended to contemplate Steve’s suggestion for a moment, ignoring Steve’s complaints of Bucky’s weight atop of him. “Alright then, only if you get my clothes out though.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woohoo the next chapter will be a little more fun than the other ones have been our boys are going to party


End file.
